Letters to inanimate objects

Dear Gladiator sandals,

When I first saw you in last year's fashion magazines, I really liked the concept of you! In high school, my nickname was Xena The Warrior Princess and you made me want to go kick some butt while wearing you. But I just don't like you. It's nothing personal.

I love all things shiny, so I first tried on some silver sandals with all of the strappy loveliness,  but being that I already wear a size 10.5 in women, you made me  feet look freakishly big. My self-esteem just couldn't handle you.

 Last week, my roommate kept stealing my simple black thongs from Wal-Mart (don't judge me!). One day, I had to resort to wearing her Steve Madden gladiator sandals. Once I had them on, I felt as though I were a horse. I began flopping my feet as a Clydesdale would an neighing down my hallway.

I really wish I could like you. But your fate was sealed wqhen my husband, whom I love so dearly, saw you gracing a woman's foot in a grocery store in El Paso, Texas. "What is that lady wearing?!" he said. "Those are hideous!"

Ever since then, I knew I would never own you. And I'm Ok with that...

Forever sorry you suck,

Valerie






Dear Chipotle iPhone Application,

You are my hero. Truly, last week, I would have starved without you. When I first downloaded you, I failed to realize the wonderfulness of your being. Until, that is, I was busy at work and hungry!

I opened up my application to a friendly menu that said "What sounds good?" Everything did, dear iPhone App ... everything did. I chose a burrito bowl, hold the rice, cheese, sour cream, and the meat to save a few calories. I walked into Chipotle and went right up to the register where the amazing Burrito artist (because honestly, that is what they are ...) had just completed my order. I paid by having my card swiped (no need to sign at my favorite buritto joint) and walked out. It was amazing.

I was able to enjoy my veggie burrito bowl from the comfort of my desk. Thank you for making my world brighter and my tummy more full!

Love always and forever,

Valerie

Dear new MAC computer at work,

After six years of having slow and outdated computers, you have entered my life and came to my rescue!!!

Gone are the days that I must use my slow home computer to visit the CIF Website to check on high school playoff updates! Now, I can actually work at work and not have error messages pop up saying my browser didn't support the site I was  trying to visit.

I love your shiny cool, silver, flat screen and the way you offer to many background choices. I can even choose to have pictures change every 30 minutes. It's such a refreshing change from my view of Florida Avenue.

You are deadly fast and, because of you, deadline day is sweeter (and shorter). I look forward to pushing your buttons each and every morning!

Thanks for being awesome!

You user-friendly friend forever,

Valerie


Dear Hemet Healthcare,

Two words only: You suck.

May you die,

Valerie