Moments of clarity for me are few and far between. It seems as though my mind is bogged down with the stress and worries of day-to-day tasks. So much so that sometimes I just feel overwhelmed.
Last week was a tough week. I felt as though I was going slowly insane. My poor, wonderful husband got to experience the joys of the stressed out me. I had virtually NO patience level and I snapped at everything he did. Actually, I've kind of been like that for three weeks.
I think it's my lack of faith in God that has been rearing its ugly head. I am worrying about the most mundane things!
The most of my frustrations are simply about not being where I thought I'd be in life at 28 years old. I have had the goal of being a managing editor or an award-winning writer by the time I'm 30. But I only have one and a half years to that oh-so-glorious day — and that dream job is no where in sight.
It's hard knowing you have all of this potential, but not having anyone give you the chance to unleash it. It borderline pisses me off. I know it's a horrible economy to try and advance a career, but I've been working SO hard for six years at my job. I've learned an incredible amount from an amazing editor, but I just feel like there is nothing left for me to learn.
Last week, I had a meltdown. Some of you women know the kind I'm talking about — the kind where you crank your radio up and just climb into the shower so you can cry loudly without anyone hearing. I did that. My entire life, I've worked hard to prove myself and I've just about had it. My husband heard my sobs and asked me what was wrong. Honestly, my brain was SO foggy that I couldn't even explain a real reason to him. I blabbed about some things that bothered me — like the fact he always left cups on his nightstand for me to pick up.
My husband is the most amazing man. After a few failed relationships, including a failed first marriage (And by failed I mean I had married a lying cheater), my husband has seriously been a breath of fresh air.
The cups were NOT the problem. But I just couldn't put my finger on it. So I kept making stuff up. Poor guy!
The next day, my editor had asked me to go up to Diamond Valley Lake and take some pictures of the wildflower trail that had just opened. On Wednesday morning, I drove up there and hiked to the trail. It was about a third of a mile to the trail and I was ill-prepared in flip flops. But after seeing the early morning sun glistening on the lake, I simply forgot about my then-dirtied feet.
I hiked a ways up the trail and began photographing the flowers. It was JUST what I had needed — the beauty of God's creations surrounding me. I had been worried about money, about whether or not my husband and I would ever have a baby (we've been trying since the moment we were married), about my career and if I would ever land the job that paid me what I was worth, about my fatness and how horrible I've been feeling about my, as a new friend Shannon calls them, "happy pounds" — honestly, I worried about every little thing I could.
My hike to photograph wildflowers took me up above the San Jacinto Valley. I looked down into the Valley and saw the cars speeding here and there. I saw hundreds of homes that I imagined were filled with people going about their business. I felt as though God had granted me a timeout. It was as if he was saying, "Just stop. Just listen. Stop worrying, stop trying to be in full control. Just sit here with me and be."
So I did. I put my camera down, closed my eyes, inhaled deeply, and just shut up. (I know what you're all thinking — and I CAN shut up ... occasionally.) Although it was only for about three minutes, I had felt as though I had just taken a week-long vacation.
I thought about the Bible verse where God tells us not to worry. He tells us that He's in control and worrying does not add a single second to our life.
Matthew 6:25-34 says: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
As I looked out over the Valley and saw the beauty of the wildflowers, I realized that I must stop trying to be in control. I have realized this a thousand times. But it's easy to get caught back up in the rat race. I need to stop worrying about taxes and money and jobs and children and coaching. I need to stop and just let God handle it.
To a control freak, nut job like me, that's hard.
God used an assignment at work to show me to remember what I'm passionate about: writing, photography, coaching, and fitness. I've been so busy that I keep forgetting to find time to do the things I really enjoy.
Be sure to be still, if only for a moment, and allow the Lord to speak. So many times, the noise of televisions, traffic, radios, and conversations, shut out the whisper of God's voice.
And sorry honey for being the Incredible Hulk, minus the green skin and ripped tiny t-shirt! I adore you! :)
And for those of you who can't find time to get away to go wander about in wildflowers, you can wander about my blog and look at the pictures I took!
Cheers!
