I remember a time, when Brandis and I were trying to get pregnant, that I cried out to God and said, "OK, Seriously ... this is taking forever. I want to have a kid before your return, Christ. I want to know what it is like to raise a child that is ALL mine! So, if you grant me that, THENNNNNN I'll be ready for you to come back."
In retrospect, it's laughable. Like God would stop the Second Coming to wait for me to get knocked up and raise my baby ... But to have a child, and to have an impact on him like I have on the kids that I coach was so important to me! I felt like I had ALL of this love to give and it was being wasted by me not having a baby.
Which is also laughable! Like my coaching has ever been or will EVER be a waste of time ... I know I have a positive impact on those who play for me — even when they claim to hate me! :)
Ever since I found out about our little, life-changing blessing, I've been doing an intense amount of soul searching. I've always known that people frequently say having a child changes you. But I kind of thought it changes sleep patterns, work schedules, family dynamics, and free time — I guess I didn't realize that it would force me to literally put my entire being under a fine-tooth comb and examine who I really was and who I wanted to be.
Now, I completely see why I did not get pregnant sooner. I simply was NOT ready. Sure, I had love to give. But would I have been ready to do the "soul cleaning" that I'm doing now?
Not a chance!
I've been thinking a lot about how I want to raise Koa. What kind of environment will I raise him in? I know I want to teach him about healthy living, how to eat well, the importance of sleep, and that no matter what he does, God loves him and so does his mom! I know that my son will disappoint me because he's human, and he will make mistakes. There will be times when he will tell me he wants to trade me in for a new mommy. That will suck! But I will love him, regardless, and NEVER leave him nor turn my back on him.
I will work to build him up at every opportunity. I want to empower him and make sure he knows how special he is. I never want him to feel unloved or unwanted or unimportant. I want to encourage him to explore and challenge the status quo, to fight for what he believes. I want him to be a hard worker and to realize that he has the power to change his life whenever he wishes. I want him to take responsiblity for his actions and to be honest about when he screws up. I want him to know it's OK to make mistakes ... if you learn from them! I want my sweet baby boy to lie his head down on his pillow every night knowing that his parents love him and they love each other. I want to make our home a safe place where he feels comfortable expressing himself and knows he will not be judged.
I've learned so much about how I want to raise my son. But, more importantly, I've learned that being a mother doesn't mean I have to be perfect. I WILL make mistakes. Although, rarely ... :)
So, now, I've got this laundry list of things I want to instill in my son. That's the easy part. But HOW? How do I get him to learn these things? How will I show him that it is OK to go against popular opinion and to stand his ground? Or that the kid on the playground who makes fun of him may really be very sad and may need Koa to show him kindness?
This is something I've taken to prayer because I'm SO serious about making sure my little boy grows into a strong, confident man who loves the Lord and has a heart for the hurting. I know how many times I was hurt by men before Brandis came along and I NEVER want OUR son to be that kind of man.
I've found out that it all begins with me. If I want to see these qualities in my son, then I better be the first to exemplify them. If I see wrongdoing, I better stand up for what I believe, even if it gets hard. If I want him to put God first, I BETTER be doing that in my own life. If I want him to be hard-working and have a heart for other people, then ... you guessed it ... I better be hard working and SHOW that I have a heart for other people.
After thinking about all of MY qualities and which of those I want my son to pick up, I realized that it's MY responsibility to be a living, breathing example. How can I get mad at him for being a horrible listener if I'm constantly interrupting him? (Something I know I need to work on. Being opinionated is, sometimes, hard!) Or how can I be upset at him for putting others down if I am putting others down, or worse, if I'm ever putting HIM down? Simple. I can't. If he sees his mommy and daddy do it, nine times out of ten, HE will do it.
It made me reflect on my own childhood and made me so thankful to have the parents I do. They were far from perfect. There were times they hurt my feelings, times I felt judged — but one thing my parents NEVER pretended to be was perfect. I have seen HUGE transformations in my parents over the years. And I told my mom that I feel I have learned far more from watching them fail, admit it, and work on it, than from them trying to be perfect. When my dad would say something that hurt me, he would later come to me and tell me he messed up and that he is sorry and that he loves me — although sometimes it took time, I knew he'd always tell me he was sorry. My mom would make sure I knew that mommy's weren't perfect and that they mess up, too.
They didn't point fingers and blame others for their actions. My dad never told me, "YOU made me do that because I was mad." NO. He would tell me he did it and then he would work to fix it. And then he really WOULD work on it.
THIS is the kind of parent I want to be.
I am so blessed to have the family that I do. They are supportive, loving, genuine, and my relationships with them are SO rewarding. That's another thing my parents taught me — the important of having meaningful relationships. It's so important for me to be able to go to bed at night and KNOW that I made someone's day brighter. It could be as small as striking up a conversation in a grocery store or making someone laugh when they are upset. THESE are the important things!
Isn't that the kind of person God calls us to be? The kind of person that can put aside their desires and wants and focus on others? Sometimes I do this too much and I put myself at risk. But I know that God sustains me in a miraculous way. I know that He will sustain me when I have hard times raising my son.
Because, as I have stated before, God doesn't need me to be perfect, rather WILLING — willing to see my own imperfections and WILLING to admit them and work on them. This, more than any other thing, will speak volumes to my sweet, baby boy.
I never realized that he would have such a deep impact on me before I even laid eyes on his chubby cheeks! (C'mon, he's Brandis and I's kid — there will be chubby cheeks!) He's not even here yet, and already, I've learned so much from him. He won't owe me a thing for raising him — because even now, he has taught me so much and I will forever be grateful to Koa and to God for giving me the chance to learn these lessons in a loving way.
Approximately three more months until I get to hold my little superhero! But for now, I'm enjoying my time I spend praying for him and feeling him punch my guts. Mommy's little warrior is strong! Even only weighing two pounds! :)
