How to be a gem at the gym

This morning, I started writing a blog post and it made me sad — so I stopped. I'm really tired today. I am "can't-keep-my-eyes-open-even-if-I-was-being-chased-by-a-serial-killer-with-a-bloody-axe" type of tired. If today was a scene in a horror movie, I'd be the girl in the beginning. You know that one that trips. Five times. And then, instead of getting into the cab waiting with a driver out in front of her house to escape, she runs back into the house and runs upstairs into the closet where she will be safe.

Yes, that girl.

So I decided that I needed a blog that would make me laugh instead of cry.

This morning's trip to L.A. Fitness to workout inspired me. Some of the things I saw were pretty freaking laughable. My sister and I were running on the treadmills. No, that wasn't the laughable part. Anyone who has been to L.A. Fitness knows they have all of their cardio equipment on the second floor. The floor overlooks the rest of the gym. This is helpful because if you aren't good at running while looking up (at the televisions they have mounted to the ceiling), you can look down and be entertained by the freak show that is the weight room. That gave me the idea for the rant.

I'm all down for looking cute at the gym. My husband makes fun of me for putting on makeup before I work out. But honestly, I need it. Unfortunately, I have a pretty public job in a retardedly (Yes, I know that's not in my spell check dictionary, Mr. iMac, it's because I just made the word up. So kindly remove that annoying red line from underneath it!) small town and if I look like crap out in public, people, literally, will talk about it for days. I'm dead serious. It's crazy. Plus, I firmly believe that you MUST feel good about how your face looks when you go to the gym. I mean, if I'm lifting and I look in the mirror and see Shrek staring back at me — I will immediately drop the weight and go grab a double-double from In-and-Out. WHY, you ask?

Because if my face is effed up then who cares if I'm thin?! It's not like it's going to help! See, so I have to put on makeup. Not a lot. I'm not sporting blue eye shadow and smokey eyes or anything. Just enough to make it look like I just woke up — without a black head, a wrinkle, a zit, or a spot of dry skin.

I say all that to get to the point of this blog post.

Some people are very intimidated of the gym for a number of reasons. My mother, for instance, doesn't like people watching her work out. It freaks her out. Some women are scared to look dumb so they avoid lifting weights. Others hate the feeling of their butts bouncing up and down when they run and they don't want other people to watch their rear ends defy gravity. I HATE that feeling. I just do more squats to tone the J-E-L-L-O.

I have decided to establish some ground rules for behavior when at the gym. That way, when you go, and you see me, you can avoid ticking me off. So really this is more like a public service announcement.

Rule No. 1: Strap 'em up.
You'd think with all of the running and bouncing going on, women would be inclined to strap their puppies down, no matter their size. You'd be surprised. There is a reason that this is the first rule. I completely GET the fact that you've worked hard for your abs and you want to show them off. Cool. Kudos to you. However, JUST because you have silicone boobs does NOT make it OK to only wear a thin sports bra to work out. And no, if you wear a sports bra as a shirt, you are NOT wearing a bra — you are actually just wearing a mini-shirt. If you do not have fake boobs, the rule is even more applicable. Also, if you do wear a whole shirt, just because its tight, doesn't mean it supports. There are many reasons for this rule. First, when you run on the treadmill, it has to hurt. I mean, really, it hurts me looking at you. Second, my husband works out with me, and although there are MANY single men (but most are married or hiding girlfriends. Trust me, check their pockets, or the ash trays in their lifted trucks and I will BET $4 there is a wedding ring just chillin' there) who want to see that, my husband doesn't want to see it. Or maybe he does. Which is even more of a reason for you to go stop at Ross and pick up that over the should boulder holder. Just. Wear. A. Bra. Comprende? OK.

Rule No. 2: Machines aren't leased by the week.
I know, I know! You got an uber important text message and you HAVE to sit on the abductor and write back and you MUST sit there until he writes you back and then you MUST respond regardless of if I am camping out five feet away from the machine giving you the death stare. I get it. Now get the heck off the machine before I cut you. Look, I'm a busy girl. I go to the gym with one intention — to stop being chunky. I usually know exactly how long it will take each day for me to accomplish what I have planned. But if Malibu Barbie and her BFF are chatting it up with Ken on steroids and they are on or surrounding the only machine I have left to conquer — the only machine that stands in the way of me and dinner — I will not be held responsible for the measures I must take to kindly remove them. I'm not saying to hurry your workout. If you're using it, I'm completely OK with waiting. But if you're not, or you insist on doing a set, waiting, eighteen minutes, and then doing your next set, I'm going to be annoyed and so are the others who came to workout. Some girls (and guys for that matter) only go to the gym to pick up Friday's date. That's fine if that's what you want to do. But don't pretend like you're working out. Trust me, it's wayyyyyyy hotter if you're ACTUALLY working out.

Rule No. 3: If it stinks, sniff your pit.

Another rule that really should not have to be pointed out. It should be pretty obvious as to why this is important. But, again, you'd be surprised. There is NOTHING worse than being on the elliptical ... downwind from Mr. Doesn't Wear Deodorant as he's huffing and puffing along on the treadmill. Really. Nothing. Worse. Look, I'm already short on oxygen over here and the LAST thing I need is a nostril full of your day's toil. I need to conserve these precious puffs of oxygen because I already feel like I'm dying from the extra cardio I have to do today for the Crunch bar I ate yesterday. If something smells and it follows you around the gym, lift your arm and sniff the pit. And then fix it. Because it's most likely YOU! If you don't smell anything, it could be that you have been so smelly your whole life, that you've now grown immune to it. If this happens, ask a friend to sniff it. Real friends tell you when you smell. It may surprise you, but even I, seemingly infallible I, have been known to forget to swipe Secret on before I leave my house for the gym. Thank goodness for the travel-size deodorant I have in my gym bag. That thing has saved many-a lives from a smelly grave! AND they are only a buck. Better to be safe than smelly, that's what I always say. Pick one up at your local Wal-Mart and you may end up winning more friends ... or killing less friends.

Rule No. 4: Just wrap it up!

Gym locker rooms can be comfortable places. L.A. Fitness has a great one! It's clean and has pretty carpet and it rarely smells like feet. It really can feel like a home away from home. But even though it may feel like you're home, you're not. So please avoid walking around butt naked. No, really, I understand you are 65 and it's getting harder to stabilize yourself to dress and hold a towel and you had group showers when you were in high school so it seems totally OK — but it's not. Just wrap a towel around yourself. It is EXTREMELY uncomfortable when I am tying my shoes on the locker room bench and I look up to see your butt crack right in my face as you bend down to get into your locker. My first inclination is always to kick it because I legitimately am terrified. It's like a fight or flight reaction I have to naked strangers. And being that I've been training to fight, I will most likely go straight for the fight and take your naked ass out. I don't know how it is in men's locker rooms, in fact, I don't even WANT to think about that. Simply put: Be a pal, cover your ass with a towel. Unless you are featured in the book in the picture — if you are, you are more than welcome to be nude in the women's locker room at the L.A. Fitness at 220 N. Sanderson Ave. in Hemet, California. Locker room is down the hall on your right after you pass the pool. Come between the hours of 6:30 and 8:30 a.m. OK? Thanks.


I have a ton of other rules, but my lunch hour is almost up. Plus, I don't want to overwhelm you with rules. Some of your ladies may just use all of the rules as another excuse NOT to go to the gym! I hope you had a good laugh or two. And if you have any rules of your own you'd like to add, feel free!

Signing off now to go write about dead people — AKA obituaries. Happy. Happy. Joy. Joy.

Hey ... I DO live in Hemet ...