What motivations move you?

Motivation is a funny thing — actually, it's not funny at all. Its concepts pretty much just piss me off.

For the life of me, I cannot understand why, for months at a time, I fill my days cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, or working longer hours ... anything but work out! I get fat and keep eating and get fatter yet I still keep eating. I complain about my weight and I'm depressed ... but I keep eating and get even more fat.

Then there are the months that I feel so driven that I could easily be classified with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. WHY?! Lucky for me, the past three months, I've been crazy. I obsess and make sure that I do something to burn an obscene amount of calories everyday. And although I'm surrounded by fatty food, I am never tempted.

Why do I do this to myself? Where is the consistency?! I'm driving myself insane and although these huge weight losses are awesome — I've gained it all back every time. WHY?!

I've been thinking a lot about motivation. Who has it? Who doesn't? What does it take to get it? And what is it in itself?

Here's what I've come up with — it's different for everyone. In fact, I'm so crazy (borderline bi-polar?? Who knows! I kid! I kid! Maybe ...) each time I get into my workout "highs," it's for a different reason. But, finally, I think I've come into a place I can exist long term.

There has been four times in my life where I've lost 60 pounds in about three months. No joke. No, really, I'm not kidding.

The first time was the summer before my junior year at University of Redlands. I was always a big girl and I had come to realize that I will never ever ever ever ever ever be "skinny." I'm always going to be thick. And I was OK with that. But something happened before my junior year — competition. I was seemingly being replaced on my volleyball team by a girl who was good. She was really good. She was really good and taller than me. Which, if you play volleyball, freaking sucks! I wouldn't be getting any taller — so I had to beat her out another way. I had to outwork her. When she was sleeping, I was on the track. When she was at sorority parties, I was lifting to increase my vertical. When she was on vacation, I was jumping on park benches. When she was in class, I was ditching and passing freeballs and serves in the gym. (Hey, don't judge! I do what it takes to win! Haha) Hence ... MOTIVATION!

I had found it! I didn't want anyone to be better than me. At least not at volleyball. I was willing to sacrifice everything to beat her out and prove to my coach that I should be on the court.

It worked! I lost a crap ton of weight and came into hell week in shape and ready to dominate. This is what I call the "The hell you are taking my spot!" motivation.

The next time I lost nearly 60 pounds was right before my first wedding — man, what a waste of motivation. But whatever. I did it, I looked fabulous, he was a tool, and we all know how that ended!

The following two times were serious. It was after the douche bag from said weight loss No. 2 had left me — after that, it was on. This is what I like to call "Make the douche bag pay and let him see me skinny" motivation.

There were two of those kinds of motivations in my life ... hey! I saw that! Don't roll your eyes and wonder how I made two horrible judgment calls with men in a row! Bad choices can happen to the best of us. Really! Check out this girl.

 Bad. Choice.

At the tail end of this second "Make the douche bag pay and let him see me skinny" motivation, I met and fell in love with my wonderful husband! Brandis is sweet, LOYAL, caring, and simply put — he downright loves me and all of my personalities. He's seriously amazing and although I complain about how he leaves multiple (yes, like more than three) half-filled cups of gosh knows what on his nightstand each night only to have a nightmare and fling them all over the wall all while staying completely asleep ... I love him completely!

Great. Now what am I supposed to do?! I don't play college sports anymore and I had met my prince charming! What the heck kind of motivation am I supposed to draw from now?!

Well, I found one. It turns out that when you finally meet a GREAT man, you want to get knocked up. I don't know if that's all women or just me? Whatever, it happened to me.

After a year of a lot of work (It was TOUGH! PHEW....! Hahaha), I STILL wasn't knocked up. I went to the doctor and he told me I had to lose weight to better my chances of pregnancy. I was diagnosed with fibroids. Yeah, awesome. You're supposed to get that when you're old or fifty (just kidding momma!) but NOOOOOoooooOOOOooooo, I have them at the ripe old age of 28. You know what the cure is? Go run. A lot. Oh yeah, and stop being chubby!

This time, that has been my motivation. It's been ten weeks and I've lost 45 pounds! I'm pretty thrilled and it's a boat load of work. But this time, I feel like it's for something meaningful. This isn't because I want to look hot in a bikini (yes I do) or continue to make my exes lives living hells when they see me because I'm cute and their new chicks are hopefully really nice on the inside (yes I do), it's because I can't wait to have what seems so natural for other women ... a child that loves and adores me even when I'm pounding Big Macs and eating Skinny Cows by the row instead of the sandwich.

Hehehe, just kidding.

I think that is the difference this time because I'm doing this all with raising a family in mind. And suddenly, I have this incredible motivation to make sure my family is healthy. I want to raise my kids to be healthy and make sure they know how to take care of themselves. I want to create in them good habits that will, hopefully, stick with them for the rest of their lives. This has become so important to me that I've decided I needed to find a way to make this weight loss a permanent one. And that's what I've been working on.

When I don't feel like going running, I go anyway. I downloaded Matthew West's "Safe and Sound" on to my iPhone. When I don't have the energy to workout I listen to that song — it's a sweet song from a dad to his newborn child and it makes me remember why I'm doing this. Although, it's a wee bit depressing. I mean, C'MON, I'm getting skinny just to gain baby weight? Oh well, I know it'll be worth it in the end!

It helps that, this time, I'm in a stable relationship with a man who supports me. Support really helps! My little sister has lost 55 pounds and is doing great and my older sister, well, she's always been a skinny biotch. But in a totally awesome way! Hahahaha! I have many, many friends who are really working on becoming healthier and we are all trying to keep each other in check.

The point is — ultimately, YOU are in charge of motivating yourself. Don't wait until you get left by your very own douche bag to decide that NOW is the time. If you're unhappy with yourself, fix it! Find what motivates you and make it work.

I have a few little tricks that help me and I'll let you in on my secrets.

I have found a new home for my scale — the kitchen! It's the perfect place for that little devil machine because I have to walk by it every time I go to the fridge. It talks to me ... "Are you REALLLLLLLY hungry? Because you have to step on me tomorrow, and if you eat that ... I'm NOT going to give you good news!" Really. That's what it says.

I have learned to switch up my workout routines DRASTICALLY! If I'm sick of running, I go swim. If I want to avoid the gym altogether, I go to open gyms and play volleyball. If a gym isn't open, I go to Primetime MMA and take Muay Thai. (Just so you know, Muay Thai is amazing! AND there's a plus. I train with my husband and if he makes me mad that day, I can hold my tongue because I know that I get to kick him in the head later in class. It makes for a great stress reliever! Hahaha! Love ya, Babe!)

Two people are better than one. Make a date for the gym. This morning, I was so tired! I did NOT want to go workout. BUT, I had already told my sister we were going at 6:30 a.m. and she rarely answers her cell. That meant one thing — I WAS going because she wouldn't have gotten the call had I canceled. It's hard to stand up the gym when you know someone is slated to meet you there!

 (The most hilarious thing about this picture — I could pick up that much weight allllll alone...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!)

Prayer works! I literally have to pray for will power every morning. "Dear sweet baby Jesus, please don't let me eat the office donuts today!" "Dear sweet baby Jesus, please make these fries taste like butt so I never eat them again! I know you did that yesterday, but I think if they taste like butt twice, I won't want them anymore!" Really, try Him. He will listen and it makes it easier.

I know it's been about 45 pounds since I last blogged, but now I feel like I have more to write about. I'm constantly asked what I'm doing to lose weight and I know that so many people struggle with the same thing I do. I'm going to use my blog to try and help all of you who are going through what I'm going through!

If you can't find the motivation, just force it. No one will help you if you don't help yourself first! And keep tuning in to my awesomely well-written and entertaining blog for some more tips on how to turn yourself from a cow to WOW!